There is a shift happening within me. A breathtakingly powerful yet sometimes painful altercation. This movement has the potential to heal an intrinsic pain that I have carried for far too long. A vulnerability that I have yet to be able to fully understand myself, and verbalization of this aspect concludes impossible.
A glass wall. So thin and begging to be shattered. As the continuous wheel of heightened emotions and unexplained desperation of thoughts clutters my vision and overtakes my being~this wall grows thicker. Yet, in this moment, I see the slow diminishing of the barrier. One where my awareness and practice are beginning to meticulously chip away this hindrance; yet I desire a sledge hammer to accelerate this process. This operation of not only understanding but accepting fully…
My dogma: I desperately fear rejection and with that abandonment.
Without fully being aware this notion is one I have held within and struggled to admit. When evaluated, I find it to be core of the spiraling emotions that arise in a moment’s notice. One where when I fall too deep my reality is altered. I am unable to distinguish a calm and serine environment from a galaxy of mass chaos within. What feels as if full loss of control in these moments resulting in a crying out to not be left, yet pushing away any love provided in each of their various forms. An internal battle of “this is not who I am” where I refuse to accept my emotions in turn causing a deeper struggle of self disapproval and guilt~ “I am doing it again.”
At this core is the question why? Where did this distress come from? A passionate desire to pinpoint the experience that rewired my being..
I was raised in an environment that above all valued unconditional love and a proven safe place to escape to at any moment. I was surrounded by selfless love and support for all dreams I held dear, desires I shared, and knowledge that after 30+ years of marriage my parents weren’t going anywhere. Nothing in this life that is remembered breeds a reason for this intrinsic fear. A voice sings songs of an experience from before.. something deeper than the beautiful life I have lived these past 29 years.
A continuation of my soul: my challenge for this life, yet not from this life. To learn to accept that this is part of who I am and allow the emotions to arise without putting up a fight or strong emphasis on their welcome. Realizing that there is something deeper that happened and in time the answers will shatter the glass wall and allowing freedom from within. Until that moment I am learning to find calm in the mantra- I accept my emotions.
I will not fight you. You have proved stronger challenges since I have come to this conclusion.. all throughout the night in various forms and experiences yet you will not take over with vengeance as before. I know these experiences are not concluded. The time will come where you will rise from the flames and set my internal fire ablaze, yet at this moment I will find my space within to use the breath of acceptance to diminish this blaze.
I find gratitude in the process as I am learning a vital lesson~full love and acceptance of self.